Co-Narcissism: How We Accommodate to Narcissistic 
                                                              Parents  
                                                                    
                                                    Alan Rappoport, Ph.D. 
                     
                     
                                     Abstract                          dangerously inadequate and vulnerable to 
                                                                       blame and rejection. The common use of the 
                    This article introduces the term “co-              term refers to some of the ways people 
                    narcissism” to refer to the way that people        defend themselves against this narcissistic 
                    accommodate to narcissistic parents. I use         dynamic: a concern with one’s own physical 
                    the term narcissism here to refer to people        and social image, a preoccupation with 
                    with very low self-esteem who attempt to           one’s own thoughts and feelings, and a sense 
                    control others’ views of them for defensive        of grandiosity. There are, however, many 
                    purposes. They are interpersonally rigid,          other behaviors that can stem from 
                    easily offended, self-absorbed, blaming, and       narcissistic concerns, such as immersion in 
                    find it difficult to empathize with others. Co-    one’s own affairs to the exclusion of others, 
                    narcissistic people, as a result of their          an inability to empathize with other’s 
                    attempts to get along with their narcissistic      experience, interpersonal rigidity, an 
                    parents, work hard to please others, defer to      insistence that one’s opinions and values are 
                    other’s opinions, worry about how others           “right,” and a tendency to be easily offended 
                    think and feel about them, are often               and take things personally. 
                    depressed or anxious, find it hard to know          
                    their own views and experience, and take the       A high proportion of people in 
                    blame for interpersonal problems. They fear        psychotherapy have adapted to life with 
                    being considered selfish if they act               narcissistic people and, as a result, have not 
                    assertively. A high proportion of                  been able to develop healthy means of self-
                    psychotherapy patients are co-narcissistic.        expression and self-directedness. I have 
                    The article discusses the co-narcissistic          coined the term “co-narcissism” for this 
                    syndrome and its treatment, and gives case         adaptation, which has the same relation to 
                    examples of patients who suffer from this          narcissism as “co-alcoholic” has to 
                    problem.                                           alcoholism and “co-dependent” has to 
                                                                       dependency. Co-alcoholics unconsciously 
                                    Narcissism                         collaborate with alcoholics, making excuses 
                                                                       for them and not confronting them about 
                    Narcissism, a psychological state rooted in        their problem in an assertive way. The same 
                    extremely low self-esteem, is a common             is true of the co-dependent person, who 
                    syndrome among the parents of                      makes excuses for the other’s dependency 
                    psychotherapy patients. Narcissistic people        and fills in for him or her as necessary. The 
                    are very fearful of not being well regarded        wife of an abusive husband who takes the 
                    by others, and they therefore attempt to           blame for her partner’s behavior is another 
                    control others’ behavior and viewpoints in         example of taking responsibility for 
                    order to protect their self-esteem. The            someone else’s problems. Both narcissism 
                    underlying dynamic of narcissism is a deep,        and co-narcissism are adaptations that 
                    usually unconscious, sense of oneself as           children have made to cope with narcissistic 
                    ____________________________________               parenting figures. To the best of my 
                                                                       knowledge, every narcissistic and co-
                    This article in press, The Therapist.              narcissistic person that I have encountered 
                     Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents                        Alan Rappoport, Ph.D. 
                     has had narcissistic parents, and the parents         concepts based on their parents’ treatment of 
                     of  their parents are reported to have been           them and therefore often have highly 
                     even more highly narcissistic.                        inaccurate ideas about who they are. For 
                                                                           example, they may fear that they are 
                     To the extent that parents are narcissistic,          inherently insensitive, selfish, defective, 
                     they are controlling, blaming, self-absorbed,         fearful, unloving, overly demanding, hard to 
                     intolerant of others’ views, unaware of their         satisfy, inhibited, and/or worthless. 
                     children’s needs and of the effects of their           
                     behavior on their children, and require that          People who behave co-narcissistically share 
                     the children see them as the parents wish to          a number of the following traits: they tend to 
                     be seen. They may also demand certain                 have low self-esteem, work hard to please 
                     behavior from their children because they             others, defer to others’ opinions, focus on 
                     see the children as extensions of themselves,         others’ world views and are unaware of their 
                     and need the children to represent them in            own orientations, are often depressed or 
                     the world in ways that meet the parents’              anxious, find it hard to know how they think 
                     emotional needs. (For example, a                      and feel about a subject, doubt the validity 
                     narcissistic father who was a lawyer                  of their own views and opinions (especially 
                     demanded that his son, who had always been            when these conflict with others’ views), and 
                     treated as the “favorite” in the family, enter        take the blame for interpersonal problems.  
                     the legal profession as well. When the son             
                     chose another career, the father rejected and         Often, the same person displays both 
                     disparaged him.) These traits will lead the           narcissistic and co-narcissistic behaviors, 
                     parent to be very intrusive in some ways,             depending on circumstances. A person who 
                     and entirely neglectful in others. The                was raised by a narcissistic or a co-
                     children are punished if they do not respond          narcissistic parent tends to assume that, in 
                     adequately to the parents’ needs. This                any interpersonal interaction, one person is 
                     punishment may take a variety of forms,               narcissistic and the other co-narcissistic, and 
                     including physical abuse, angry outbursts,            often can play either part. Commonly, one 
                     blame, attempts to instill guilt, emotional           parent was primarily narcissistic and the 
                     withdrawal, and criticism. Whatever form it           other parent primarily co-narcissistic, and so 
                     takes, the purpose of the punishment is to            both orientations have been modeled for the 
                     enforce compliance with the parents’                  child. Both conditions are rooted in low self-
                     narcissistic needs.                                   esteem. Both are ways of defending oneself 
                                                                           from fears resulting from internalized 
                                    Co-Narcissism                          criticisms and of coping with people who 
                                                                           evoke these criticisms. Those who are 
                     Children of narcissists tend to feel overly           primarily co-narcissistic may behave 
                     responsible for other people. They tend to            narcissistically when their self-esteem is 
                     assume that others’ needs are similar to              threatened, or when their partners take the 
                     those of their parents, and feel compelled to         co-narcissistic role; people who primarily 
                     meet those needs by responding in the                 behave narcissistically may act co-
                     required manner. They tend to be unaware              narcissistically when they fear being held 
                     of their own feelings, needs, and experience,         responsible and punished for another’s 
                     and fade into the background in                       experience. 
                     relationships.                                         
                                                                           Narcissistic people blame others for their 
                     Co-narcissistic people are typically insecure         own problems. They tend not to seek 
                     because they have not been valued for                 psychotherapy because they fear that the 
                     themselves, and have been valued by their             therapist will see them as deficient and 
                     parents only to the extent that they meet             therefore are highly defensive in relation to 
                     their parents’ needs. They develop their self-        therapists. They do not feel free or safe 
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                     Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents                      Alan Rappoport, Ph.D. 
                     enough to examine their own behavior, and            tendency to be unexpressive of their own 
                     typically avoid the psychotherapy situation.         thoughts and feelings and to support and 
                     Co-narcissists, however, are ready to accept         encourage others’ needs creates something 
                     blame and responsibility for problems, and           of an imbalance in their relationships, and 
                     are much more likely than narcissists to seek        other people may take more of the 
                     help because they often consider themselves          interpersonal space for themselves as a 
                     to be the ones who need fixing.                      result, thereby giving the impression that 
                                                                          they are, in fact, narcissists, as the co-
                     The image I often keep in mind, and share            narcissist fears they are. 
                     with my patients regarding narcissism, is             
                     that the narcissist needs to be in the               Co-narcissistic people often fear they will be 
                     spotlight, and the co-narcissist serves as the       thought of as selfish if they act more 
                     audience. The narcissist is on stage,                assertively. Usually, they learned to think 
                     performing, and needing attention,                   this way because one or both parents 
                     appreciation, support, praise, reassurance,          characterized them as selfish if they did not 
                     and encouragement, and the co-narcissist’s           accommodate to the parent’s needs. I take 
                     role is to provide these things. Co-narcissists      patients’ concerns that they are selfish as an 
                     are approved of and rewarded when they               indication of narcissism in the parents, 
                     perform well in their role, but, otherwise,          because the motivation of selfishness 
                     they are corrected and punished.                     predominates in the minds of narcissistic 
                                                                          people. It is a major component of their 
                     One of the critical aspects of the                   defensive style, and it is therefore a 
                     interpersonal situation when one person is           motivation they readily attribute to (or 
                     either narcissistic or co-narcissistic is that it    project onto) others. 
                     is not, in an important sense, a relationship.        
                     I define a relationship as an interpersonal          There are three common types of responses 
                     interaction in which each person is able to          by children to the interpersonal problems 
                     consider and act on his or her own needs,            presented to them by their parents: 
                     experience, and point of view, as well as            identification,  compliance, and  rebellion 
                     being able to consider and respond to the            (see Gootnick, 1997, for a more thorough 
                     experience of the other person. Both people          discussion of these phenomena). 
                     are important to each person. In a                   Identification is the imitation of one or both 
                     narcissistic encounter, there is,                    parents, which may be required by parents in 
                     psychologically, only one person present.            order for them to maintain a sense of 
                     The co-narcissist disappears for both people,        connection with the child. In regard to 
                     and only the narcissistic person’s experience        narcissistic parents, the child must exhibit 
                     is important. Children raised by narcissistic        the same qualities, values, feelings, and 
                     parents come to believe that all other people        behavior which the parent employs to 
                     are narcissistic to some extent. As a result,        defend his or her self-esteem. For example, 
                     they orient themselves around the other              a parent who is a bully may not only bully 
                     person in their relationships, lose a clear          his child, but may require that the child 
                     sense of themselves, and cannot express              become a bully as well. A parent whose self-
                     themselves easily nor participate fully in           esteem depends on his or her academic 
                     their lives.                                         achievement may require that the child also 
                                                                          be academically oriented, and value (or 
                     All these adaptations are relatively                 devalue) the child in relation to his or her 
                     unconscious, so most co-narcissistic people          accomplishments in this area. Identification 
                     are not aware of the reasons for their               is a response to the parent seeing the child as 
                     behavior. They may think of themselves as            a representative of himself or herself, and is 
                     inhibited and anxious by nature, lacking             the price of connectedness with the parent. It 
                     what it takes to be assertive in life. Their 
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                     Co-Narcissism: How We Adapt to Narcissistic Parents                      Alan Rappoport, Ph.D. 
                     results in the child becoming narcissistic           therapist is not narcissistic. It is powerfully 
                     herself.                                             healing for the patient to experience a 
                                                                          relationship that is not based on narcissism. 
                     Compliance refers to the co-narcissistic             Co-narcissistic people are therefore greatly 
                     adaptation described earlier, wherein the            helped by the therapist’s embodiment of 
                     child becomes the approving audience                 Carl Rogers’ principles of accurate empathy, 
                     sought by the parent. The child is complying         interpersonal warmth  and positive regard, 
                     with the parent’s needs by being the                 and personal genuineness. These behaviors 
                     counterpart the parent seeks. All three forms        by the therapist provide a direct 
                     of adaptation (identification, compliance,           contradiction to the experiences that have 
                     and rebellion) can be seen as compliance in          caused their problems. Patients will seek to 
                     a larger sense, since, in every case, the child      determine how safe they are not to 
                     complies in some way with the needs of the           accommodate their behavior to the 
                     parent, and is defined by the parent. What           therapist’s imagined needs, but to be able to 
                     defines compliance in this sense is that the         experience and express themselves freely. 
                     child becomes the counterpart the parent             The patient will carefully observe the 
                     needs from moment to moment to help the              therapist’s behavior and make judgments 
                     parent manage threats to his or her self-            about how much the therapist is able to 
                     esteem.                                              consider the needs of the patient and how 
                                                                          open he or she is to the patient’s experience. 
                     Rebellion refers to the state of fighting to not     The patient will also want to see that the 
                     accept the dictates of the parent by behaving        therapist is not co-narcissistic, so that the 
                     in opposition to them. An example of this            patient can use the therapist as a model who 
                     behavior is that of an intelligent child who         shows by example that she or he believes it 
                     does poorly in school in response to his             is safe to be assertive and not to orient 
                     parent’s need that he be a high achiever. The        oneself around another’s needs. The patient 
                     critical issue here is that the child is             will therefore observe the therapist for signs 
                     unconsciously attempting to not submit to            of how assertive he or she is, and also pay 
                     the parent’s definition of him despite his           attention to examples the therapist may 
                     inner compulsion to comply with the                  provide from his or her own life to assess 
                     parent’s needs. He therefore acts in a self-         how free of co-narcissism the therapist may 
                     defeating manner in order to try to maintain         be. 
                     a sense of independence. (If the pressure for         
                     compliance had not been internalized, the            In addition to the beneficial effect of the 
                     child would be free to be successful despite         relationship between therapist and patient, a 
                     the parent’s tendency to co-opt his                  major part of the therapy process involves 
                     achievements.)                                       understanding how events and experiences 
                                                                          in patients’ early lives resulted in their 
                                   Psychotherapy                          current fears, inhibitions, and orientation 
                                                                          towards others. I find it very helpful in my 
                     Co-narcissistic people automatically and             work as a therapist to explain narcissism and 
                     unconsciously assume that everyone is                co-narcissism to my patients. Having an 
                     narcissistic. They have the same fear about          intellectual understanding of the nature of 
                     the therapist, but are able to enter treatment       the problem goes a great distance towards 
                     because they also believe that the therapist         helping them make sense of their lives and 
                     may be different. The most significant               why their relationships take on the 
                     aspect of co-narcissistic patients’ work in          characteristics that they do. It also gives us a 
                     therapy consists of determining to what              framework within which we can discuss the 
                     degree the therapist is narcissistic. We might       issues of concern to them, and helps them 
                     even say that the therapy consists of helping        understand what to work on to free 
                     the patient develop confidence that the              themselves from these problems. A 
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