Worksheet for
   Wendy Behary | Disarming 
  the Narcissist (Episode 246)
   Narcissism is a word thrown around a lot 
   these days — so much that it’s almost lost 
How do you respond to expectations? 
   all meaning. However, I think we’ve all 
   known, dated, or possibly even married 
Gretchen Rubin, host of the Happier 
   someone on this spectrum, and we’ve all 
Podcast and author of The Four 
   felt the sting that results.
Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality 
Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your 
   On this episode Wendy Behary, author of 
Life Better (and Other People’s Lives 
   Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and 
Better, Too), joined us for Episode 18 to 
   Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, delivers 
discuss how answering this one simple 
   strategies and tools to identify when we’re 
question gives us a framework to make 
   dealing with a narcissist versus just your 
better decisions, manage time efficiently, 
   run-of-the mill selfish a-hole, how we can 
suffer less stress, and engage with others 
   spot their tactics (such as gaslighting) in 
more effectively.
   real-time, and how we can defend 
   ourselves against their machinations.
          jordanharbinger.com
●Upholders -- Motivated by both outer 
and inner expectations.
●Questioners -- Challenge outer 
expectations unless they align with 
                 Spotting a Narcissist  
inner expectations.
       Because narcissists can be very charming when you meet 
       them — to the point of coming off as superheroes — the 
●Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, 
       original title for Wendy’s book was A Nightmare in Shining                          Do you agree with Will -- that you do not 
but struggle to meet inner 
       Armor. But the shine wears off soon as you spot one or 
                                                                                           have everything in you to rise to the 
       more of the following typical narcissistic tendencies:
expectations.
                                                                                           top? What does Western society have to 
●Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- 
         ●    They get overly defensive when you disagree with 
                                                                                           gain if you believe this? What do you 
              their solutions or question their motives as being 
both outer and inner.
              anything but altruistic.
                                                                                           gain by not believing this?
         ●    They blame you for their mistakes.
         ●    They’re grossly self-absorbed.
Now understanding how you act and 
         ●    They don’t make good listeners.
react based on your natural tendencies 
         ●    They have trouble making eye contact.
         ●    They’re impulsive.
toward outer and inner expectations, 
         ●    They’re interruptive.
how would you leverage that awareness 
         ●    They shut down and tune out of conversations that 
to improve the outcome? In what ways aren’t about them, waiting impatiently for the 
              chance to break in and grandstand.
could you have shifted the expectations 
         ●    They’re big on self-soothing when they’re not 
to align with your natural tendencies?
              engaged in something that’s giving them direct 
              approval for their wonderfulness.
         ●    They always have a justification for their sense of 
              entitlement.
         ●    They use gaslighting — encouraging your view of 
              reality to skew in one direction and then denying 
              that reality to make you question your own 
              perceptions (and perhaps even your own sanity).
       Do you know anyone like this? Are you close to anyone 
       like this? How do your interactions usually go?
                     jordanharbinger.com
●Upholders -- Motivated by both outer 
and inner expectations.
●Questioners -- Challenge outer 
expectations unless they align with 
           Healthy Narcissism?
    Is a little bit of narcissism good for you? Wendy admits 
inner expectations.
    that it can be instrumental in someone’s drive and help 
●Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, 
    them excel (though just because someone’s a 
                                                           Do you agree with Will -- that you do not 
but struggle to meet inner high-achiever doesn’t mean they’re a narcissist). You 
                                                           have everything in you to rise to the 
    might want them to be your surgeon for a life or death 
expectations.
    operation, but they’re probably not fun to hang out with 
                                                           top? What does Western society have to 
●Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- 
    on a social level.
                                                           gain if you believe this? What do you 
both outer and inner.
    “Give me the surgeon who has worked his or her butt off 
                                                           gain by not believing this?
    to overcompensate by being the best of the best. I just 
    want them to be the best technician when I go under 
Now understanding how you act and 
    anesthesia and I’m being operated on. But I don’t want 
react based on your natural tendencies 
    to go home with them! I don’t want to live with them. I 
toward outer and inner expectations, don’t want to be in a relationship with them.”
how would you leverage that awareness 
    Do you regularly interact with anyone who you 
    believe may fall into this category of narcissism? Do 
to improve the outcome? In what ways 
    you trust them on a professional level without feeling 
could you have shifted the expectations 
    the urge to know them further on a personal level?
to align with your natural tendencies?
              jordanharbinger.com
●Upholders -- Motivated by both outer 
and inner expectations.
●Questioners -- Challenge outer 
expectations unless they align with 
           Are You a Narcissist?
    Being self-absorbed doesn’t necessarily mean someone is a 
inner expectations.
    narcissist, and even if someone is a narcissist, it doesn’t 
●Obligers -- Meet outer expectations, 
    necessarily mean they’re a bad person.
                                                            Do you agree with Will -- that you do not 
but struggle to meet inner 
    “We all carry traits that happen along the spectrum of 
                                                            have everything in you to rise to the 
expectations.
    narcissism,” says Wendy. “There are mildly annoying, 
                                                            top? What does Western society have to 
    narcissistic-like people who can be a little too self-absorbed 
●Rebel -- Resist all expectations -- 
    over overzealous, embellishing stories in ways that become 
                                                            gain if you believe this? What do you 
both outer and inner.
    boring and off-putting. The higher end of the spectrum — 
                                                            gain by not believing this?
    where you’ll find a more clinical diagnosis of narcissistic 
    personality disorder — that’s where you’re going to see, in 
Now understanding how you act and 
    very exaggerated terms, life patterns that probably started 
react based on your natural tendencies early on and have evolved to an adult who is super 
    self-absorbed, seemingly incapable of empathy for other 
toward outer and inner expectations, 
    people or appreciating the impact of their behaviors on 
how would you leverage that awareness 
    other people.”
to improve the outcome? In what ways 
    The good news: If you think you’re a pathological 
    narcissist, chances are you’re not — otherwise you’d be 
could you have shifted the expectations 
    denying it or be completely blind to it. And if it turns out 
to align with your natural tendencies?
    you are, at least being aware of it and willing to change 
    allows you to work through it in therapy. What 
    narcissistic traits in your own personality can you 
    identify, and would you be willing to address them with 
    a therapist to investigate their causes (and cures) 
    further?
              jordanharbinger.com